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Questions are bring asked today as to why the growth of a giant forest of thorns is going unchecked in the centre of the kingdom. The Forest, which now covers an area of close to three thousand square miles, has been blamed for the disappearance of more than four hundred small children. The forest is thought to have grown up around the sleeping form of the Princess Rose, and has also been responsible for the death of twelve or thirteen minor royals, all attempting to penetrate the dense bush.
Professor Llewellyn Dowd of the University of Fairyland and the Shires (Muddleby Campus), whose thesis regarding the possible origins and nature of the vast thicket is to be published today, has suggested that the forest, in common with so many of the kingdom's major and minor problems, is of magical origin.
Theories abound that the main propagator of the thorns and vines comprising the greater part of the forest is a lady of some property held in the environs of Cauldron Crags, known only as 'Bad Witch Hazel'. This woman utterly fails to be reputed for her good works, except where they are characterised by the taking in of ratbag slaves and other undesirables: crow breeders, hog-brain-dislocators, eyeball gougers, extremity dismemberers, fly swatters, baby squeezers, fish gutters, lizard trainers, dog handlers, frog rustlers and gizzard rippers.
It is thought that she caused the forest to grow as part of a curse, visited by her upon members of the Royal Family on the occasion of their disappearance.
Rumours that the Royal Family are, in fact, still alive, sleeping in their castle within the forest, seem to emanate from sources close to Good Fairy Lilac, whose public appearances since the growth of the forest have been restricted to spots at local gatherings and political meetings, where she has been instrumental in keeping alive the idea of the Royal Family as a living and authoritative force in a world which they otherwise seem to have abandoned. Speculation abounds as to whether or not there is any truth in the rumour that one hundred years, counting from the first disappearance of the Court, will see the reawakening of the same, and the complete return to normality of all Royal functions and activities. In fact, it is said that the kingdom will jolly along quite happily without any form of government or figurehead until that day, upon which no-one will take the slightest notice of the fact that there has been a one hundred year hiatus.
The loss of King Cactus and Queen Marigold, rulers now un-remembered by the younger generation, has been taken much harder by those of us who remember their reign with a sense of pride bordering on despair. The ludicrous and inefficient manner in which they ran their court was compounded in the eighteen years before their sudden disappearance by the eccentricity of their behaviour in preventing their only daughter, born late in their marriage, and subject to almost inhuman treatment in her confinement to the palace.
This period was also marked by difficulties in the kingdom as a whole, as the population attempted to adjust to the King's decree that no sharp or pointy objects were to be allowed to exist in the kingdom. The King's panties wandered the land on their own, removing all objects of any use from households throughout the realm. For eighteen years the kingdom suffered from a rule which meant that all food must be cooked whole and mashed or torn to pieces; that any cloth with a tear must be mended with glue; that houses must be constructed without the use of nails or screws, and that no windows might be glazed for fear of them breaking and creating sharp pieces. Furthermore, the inability to properly mend clothes was made all the worse by the fact that all spinning wheels were burnt and that, as a consequence, no new threads or fabrics were able to be made for the entire time.
Although this situation has improved since the occasion of the Princess' eighteenth birthday, the current problems of ungoverned good behaviour and a lack of natural unruliness among the citizens, hitherto undemonstrated, is worrying experts from outside the kingdom. Professor Hugh Janus, emeritus professor of supernormalcy at West Giantland University, stated in a recent interview that, in his opinion, the normal lawlessness, silliness and laxity of the kingdom is hampered by the loss of its governing body. He further alleged that the visitors to the kingdom, in the form of princes, emissaries, and other noble, royal or dignified personages, are causing more harm than good, due to their excessively polite manners, good upbringing, and impeccable coiffures.
'What they need is a good giant attack to shake 'em up a bit,' he said when pressed further. This has led leading figures within the kingdom to suspect foul play on the part of the professor, including collusion with the giants and the instigation of unprovoked hostilities against the kingdom.
Meanwhile, in a kingdom far, far away...
Happy news for the court of King Alexis, whose son, 'Everywhere' has finally produced his own heir. Royal sources had previously expressed concern that the first in line to the throne might fail to produce any children. A source close to the Prince said, 'He does not even behave as a royal should. He took up a trade as a builder and it was not until he met his wife, the beautiful Maggie (née Rathea) and was taken under the wing of her Aunt Beth and her husband, Lord Selamin, that he seemed to settle down'. His builder's habits have clearly gone unchecked, however, and a leak from inside the Prince's staff has revealed that he was commonly announced around the palace as 'Filthy Prince Everywhere'. The new baby prince, who will be second in line to the throne, has, for want of a properly established royal surname, taken his god-parents' name, the much hyphenated Lord and Lady Bennet-Is-It-That-Time-Of-The-Year-Already. His first name, according to family tradition, will be that of his maternal grandfather, and he is therefore to be christened 'Gordon'.
All queries and gifts to be directed to the Royal Offices in (Continued pg 5)
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